A Tour of Website Spam

After a long absence, I recently made a few updates to this website. One of them addressed the large number of spam comments that had been posted in response to stories, reviews, news items, and other content. These same spam comments probably find their way onto thousands of websites—their goal being to mass-advertise a link for cheap handbags, online poker, or whatever. As I sifted through and deleted most of the 1400 separate items, a few caught my eye, delighting me with their awkward, unique take on the English language. I deleted many of them, but the small number that I found worthy were permitted to remain in their place of honor, among the comments on my site.

In the interest of fooling non-human spam detectors (or perhaps impressing human ones), the best of these posts attempt to sound like someone who’s actually read the piece they’re commenting about, and wants to make a legitimate point. They typically fall short of the mark… wherein lies the humor.

I must confess a weakness for spam, as evidenced by Spamming the Spammers, my three-book series detailing the efforts of my alter ego Dieter P. Bieny to (entertainingly) combat spam e-mails. I wouldn’t have devoted so much time to a strictly vindictive effort—I have a genuine fondness for the style. Yes, I’ve reached the point where my most admired authors are the anonymous wordsmiths who compose spam comments such as the ones below. I wish I could write like them—William Faulkner or Henry James, not so much. Spammers are original in a way that rebukes originality. Their motive is singular, yet the ways they approach that goal are legion.What does not accomplish its goal is cast off without emotion; the internet is an unrelenting editor. They are the perfect blend of art and capitalism.

I found that there were several distinct types of spam comments. The first is the purely complimentary. Without further ado, I’d like to share some of my favorites.


Dorris, from high-poker.net, had this to say about  the fictional piece, “A Letter from Bin Laden to Al-Qaeda (circa 2010)”:

Ahaa, its good dialogue concerning this piece of writing at this place at this weblog, I have read all that, so now me also commenting at this place.

Dorris’s logic is impeccable, as is her taste, so me now mentioning at this place. Lorrie, meanwhile, had this to say about my poem “September”, on her way to recommending buycheapestcigarettesonline:

Wow, this paragraph is pleasant, my younger sister is analyzing such things, therefore I am going to inform her.

Pete the pleasant poet finds Lorrie’s letters to be luminous, therefore, I am allowing them to stay.


Also appreciative was Rigoberto Gawronski, who had this to say:

Hi there, just became alert to your blog through Google, and found that it is truly informative. I’m going to watch out for brussels. I’ll be grateful if you continue this in future. Numerous people will be benefited from your writing. Cheers!

I too, will be watching our for brussels, just as soon as I figure out what that means. And I’m sure many people will benefit from Rigoberto’s pasted hyperlink to “Penis Health Risk Factors”.


shop louis vuitton commented on my short story “Tributary”, which is about a Tribute Band—a subject that apparently greatly interests shop louis and his neighbor.

Thanks for the sensible critique. Me and my neighbor were just preparing to do some research about this. We got a grab a book from our local library but I think I learned more clear from this post. I’m very glad to see such wonderful info being shared freely out there.

In exchange for all this great free info, shop louis vuitton offered some free advice of his own, generously directing me to a certain website where I might find quality handbags for less.

Arletta Panciera looked forward to “fabulous minutes” reading “good basics”. And who wouldn’t?

I just wanted to type a brief remark to be able to appreciate you for all the amazing ideas you are posting on this website. My time consuming internet search has at the end of the day been paid with sensible facts and strategies to go over with my visitors. I ‘d believe that we visitors are quite lucky to dwell in a great website with many awesome professionals with good basics. I feel somewhat lucky to have discovered your entire weblog and look forward to plenty of more fabulous minutes reading here. Thank you again for everything.

From Shirlee Paladin comes my new motto: “Hit the nail upon the top, without having side-effects.”

Unquestionably believe that which you stated. Your favorite reason appeared to be on the net the easiest thing to be aware of. I say to you, I definitely get annoyed while people think about worries that they plainly don’t know about. You managed to hit the nail upon the top and defined out the whole thing without having side-effects , people can take a signal. Will probably be back to get more. Thanks


Pearl enjoyed the rhythm of the site, and coined what I think would be a great title for a band, album, or book: “shiny transparent concept”:

Fantastic beat ! I wish to apprentice while you amend your site, how could i subscribe for a weblog site? The account aided me a applicable deal. I had been tiny bit acquainted of this your broadcast offered shiny transparent concept


The asbestos removal industry apparently boasts some of my greatest fans. asbestos insulation said:

Fantastic goods from you, man. I have keep in mind your stuff previous to and you’re just too fantastic. I really like what you’ve obtained right here, really like what you’re stating and the way in which wherein you assert it. You make it enjoyable and you still care for to keep it sensible. I cant wait to learn far more from you. This is actually a great site.

One correction, asbestos insulation—there’s no such thing as “too fantastic”.


asbestos removal, meanwhile, confirmed that my plan to get individuals to conform to my way of thinking is working:

You made some good points there. I checked on the net for more info about the issue and found most individuals will go along with your views on this website.


data entry jobs from home commented on a review of my poetry book, Optimism, working in a nice bit of the obvious from a former president, before changing the subject to, well, you know—data entry jobs from home.

I like this post, enjoyed this one appreciate it for posting. “Abortion is advocated only by persons who have themselves been born.” by Ronald Reagan.


Rodrigo Glazebrook  offered a short and rather mechanical bit of cheerleading:

Keep functioning ,terrific job!


Laurine Went summed it up nicely (and rattlingly):

Rattling nice style and design and wonderful subject material , absolutely nothing else we need : D.

That right… absolutely nothing else. Of course, you can’t please everyone, and spam commenters aren’t shy about voicing their concerns and objections. Which brings us to…




Some commenters aren’t completely unsatisfied, but are simply more guarded with their praise, like blackjack, who, before posting a link to an Australian blackjack site, wrote:

i dont agree with what you said in your post, but do agree on most points!


Health was blunt with his criticisms:

Hello, you used to write wonderful, but the last several posts have been kinda boring¡K I miss your great writings. Past several posts are just a little out of track! come on!


Claude Rotstein of gamehayhay.net also cut me down to size:

The following time I read a blog, I hope that it doesnt disappoint me as much as this one. I mean, I know it was my choice to read, but I truly thought youd have something interesting to say. All I hear is actually a bunch of whining about 1 thing which you could fix really should you werent too busy seeking for attention.


Near-identical comments, perhaps less gracefully presented, came from Treasa Ospital of gameto.org. Each version has its unique flavors, but each is enjoyable in its own way, like choosing between Peter Hammill’s solo work and his recordings with Van Der Graaf Generator, or less cryptically, between red or white wine:

The when I just read a blog, I’m hoping that this doesnt disappoint me approximately this 1. Get real, Yes, it was my method to read, but When i thought youd have something fascinating to state. All I hear is actually a number of whining about something which you could fix need to you werent too busy trying to locate attention.


One thing about honest criticism is that it elevates the value of a compliment. When Matilda Babu said:

I have not checked in here for a while because I thought it was getting boring, but the last several posts are great quality so I guess I’ll add you back to my daily bloglist. You deserve it my friend 🙂

I truly felt I’d earned it.


As confusing as his name was, (serfloor|mineflo|ucuz parke|ucuz laminat parke|sudan etkilenmeyen parke) seemed to have opinions that were equally confused, if guardedly optimistic:

I do not even understand how I ended up right here, but I believed this publish used to be great. I do not understand who you might be however definitely you are going to a well-known blogger for those who aren’t already. Cheers!


And I’m still not sure what to make of this nysterious comment by celine replica of smilehandbag.com:

I’m not against the agree with the issues you suggested.


Aussies are known to be straight shooters, demonstrated by online casino australia of videopokiesonline, who cuts to the heart of a writer’s self-doubts with language that evokes a toilet, and the bodily extrusions commonly found within :

now you have to ask yourself, is this the best post you can push out?


cialis seemed to find more in “A Letter from Bin Laden” than I ever thought was present, but her last line, with that “moment’s pleasure” reference, seemed to betray her true loyalties to selling sexual aids:

There are certainly a lot of details like that to take into consideration. That is a great point to bring up. I offer the thoughts above as general inspiration but clearly there are questions like the one you bring up where the most important thing will be working in honest good faith. I don?t know if best practices have emerged around things like that, but I am sure that your job is clearly identified as a fair game. Both boys and girls feel the impact of just a moment’s pleasure, for the rest of their lives.


Sometimes, it’s best to just say what you have to say, and make your request, honestly, directly, and politely, like Adriana of oiemail.org:

could you improve your way of writing?




Here, we drift into lands uncharted, where grammar and coherent thought are but playthings in the hands of those bold enough to bend them. These commenters see the letter of the law, and not the spirit—nowhere is it specified that “comments” need to be related to this website’s content.

Timothy Steinbock had words of wisdom, mixed with words of stupidity and self-interest:

Have a character of trustworthiness and integrity. When your potential leads view you as someone they could believe in, they will probably want to purchase your small business. Creating your self likable and trustworthy can make it much better to convert a frosty industry into a cozy guide, and from that point into a speak to.


I think louis vuitton schuhe is making the case for people uniting in celebration of handbags when he says:

Like, accord, consider, don’t unify people over a usual hatred available for factor.
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how to sing better of beatlast.com just had to spread the word:

Yes! Finally someone writes about 5 different voice types for singing.

(Note: It’s not me.)


moncler jackets of allmonclershop.net might, possibly, have been referring to moncler jackets (or footwear) when he wrote:

I think the basic more lovely that can be purchased, not to mention the very fashionth. Your feet and toes are constantly toasty if delivering it.


gucci charlotte medium shoulder bag of guccibagsguccisale.com delivers a comment the way David Lynch delivers a film:

She teaches foreign students Chinese.That’s all I need.He will do anything but work.I’ll call youSupper is ready at six.I can’t afford to go to a restaurant every day.I can’t afford to go to a restaurant every day.Which would you prefer? I’m home.There is a bridge over the river.
gucci charlotte medium shoulder bag

And oh, yes: The Eagle has landed. The fat man walks alone.


In response to my short piece “Steve’s Attempt at a Comprehensive Biography (an excerpt)”, discount uggs took a similar tack, using repetition, randomness, plus a bit of titillation:

I’m looking forward to seeing youPlease let me check the bill.Think carefully before you act.It doesn’t make any sense to get up so earlyHe found my lecture interesting.They were glad of the examination being over.They were glad of the examination being over.I will be more careful.I would like to check out.It is said he has secret love affairs with two women!

It’s gotta be the Uggs.


Burberry Rain Boots contributed a quick health tip:

The brain needs a continuous supply of blood.A lovely day
eddiefi2 gave what seemed like a series of word association test answers, revealing a twisted mind that harbors a chicken fetish:

red head nude chicken sex video afl st.crispins school “her first lesbian sex 6” .com

Well… okay… as long as they’re redheads.


Continuing, in an intriguing third-person “personal ad” style, was  pyhukikose:

She simply needed to feed her own grass in new ways. Also, mark off the party days on your calendar with an “X”. Not only is she a treasure hunter, this Australian badass is equally comfortable in a gunfight or a fistfight, whatever the occasion demands.


waycleStecy took the road less traveled when it comes to advertising freeconsumerreviews.com, in this case linking to a “quiet couch”. But the road does go on a bit:

I LOVE when you do! Usually all those questions are the ones questioned on game shows. I only love the ability to answer this obscure concerns!! I thought it had been 3 products? It’s best of all when they will a floor following your one you’re going to help, because then you get to be smug precisely you’re getting to your destination faster as well as delaying them from finding where they have to go.

Penguins are generally awesome. The will be permanently clothed to impress strutting around the Antarctic including they individual place. Thankx much for that! I’ve certainly not been this kind of moved using a blog internet site post for just about any very long time! You have got acquired the item, whatever indicating in blogs. Very well, That that you are definitely somebody with thing to convey that people today must tune in to. Maintain up the spectacular occupation. Maintain with inspiring a persons! Haha… this opinion totally reminded me of any stupid, juvenile, awesome traditions and notion within my family after i was a kid: you have entitlement to make a new wish every time you eat a folded-over processor, we referred to as them Need Chips’ plus literally wished built in as should they were one thing significant plus mystical. Childlike wonderment and also blind notion in things completely not rational = GREAT.


teamperce wanted to discuss vaporizerreviews.com, putting us in a voyeuristic mood as we listen in on a secret conversation with Narchis—whoever that is. Is the message in code? Who knows? All we can do is enjoy:

Hi Narchis, That’s unusual then. I will observe up with a video version just for this tut so you see whether it’s easier I TRIED OUT THIS RESULT BT I actually CANT FULLY GRASP THE GOLF HOLE PART SO I COUDNT GET FURTHER PLZ HELP AS I WOULD REALLY LIKE TO LERE THIS SPECIFIC EFFECT Yes! I nonetheless have that awesome Doctor. Seuss cap from an arcade visit whenever i was youthful.:) I could strongly bear in mind I ended up being one ticket in short supply of getting this, so I had asked any passerby from the arcade easily could have got a ticket plus they gave it in my opinion. ^_^

Using tape as an alternative to a lint roller to acquire fuzzies from your garments. I possess a form. It just wants a brand and requires an email address to figure. Some people love to fill out forms, most do not. My get hold of information is actually displayed inside the upper suitable hand place on every web site and blog i always own. I help it become oh so simple for readers to learn my actual legal label and the best way to reach myself. Please explain: Step 2A


Also from freeconsumereviews.org (which seems to boast a stable of writers to rival The Beats, The Inklings, or The Bloomsbury Group), is Diargolla, who comments on my piece “Create Your Own Death Metal Song”, looking to redirect readers to a link for a hair removal system, albeit via a rather circuitous path:

Would enjoy it, Thanks! The Very last Sweet in the packYou’ve travelled a long way to have that package of sugars, and spent the entire way back guzzling down those sweet sugary pieces of hapiness. But you actually reach decrease, into a crevasses of one’s pocket and in the bag and they’re all vanished. Your hand searches throughout vain to get another delicous nugget regarding joy… but your search is definitely fruitless. So after you get home you yank the bag out of your pocket and are also halfway towards the bin scrunching up the bag once you feel the lump… you pull the bag returning to shape along with stare decrease at of which final preference explosion in which so nearly escaped your current grasp. You relish the tastiness and suck onto it, no topic what sweet it is, it will be the nicest sweet inside bag. Awesome! Appreciate the actual advice! I? ll give it a try.

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We’ll finish our spam tour with Deusete, who has apparently been misinformed about the intentions behind these posts:

i loved your intention to help people by writing these posts, thanks for it

Wait… no, Deusete’s right…I do this to help people… yeah.

Thanks for reading.


This Essay Brought to You by Kelly Yaede

By Peter Dabbene

In case you haven’t gathered as much by reading my essays before, there are a lot of things that annoy me. There are also a lot of things that I like, but let’s face it, that’s not as much fun to write about.edit septemberfestIMAG0074 copy

IMAG0074On my hit list for many years has been what observers in other towns have called “vanity signs,” and what I call “uncompensated political advertising.” I’m referring to the practice of politicians seizing every opportunity, on every public notice, to insert their names and implicitly take credit for whatever’s going on around them.

I live in Hamilton, and that’s where I’ve been able to witness the growth of this phenomenon firsthand. Former Mayors Glen Gilmore and John Bencivengo put their names on signs, too, but our current mayor seems to have perfected the practice, resulting in more gratuitous name placements than a Kardashian in a supermarket tabloid.

Drop in tutoring program signA “Drop-In Tutoring Program” flyer for grade schoolers at the CYO/Bromley Neighborhood Center features Yaede’s name before the name of the center itself, giving the distinct, though mistaken impression that the building was named after her. That flyer’s font size wasn’t quite big enough for the mayor, apparently, because a couple of other flyers, including one for free flu shots, doubled the size of her name. The size of the center’s name did not increase.

A sign I saw recently in the Hamilton Free Public Library advertising the Hamilton Golf Center featured Mayor Yaede’s name, but just in case anyone out to play golf didn’t stop by the library for a quick read first, her name also appears on the Golf Center’s front door.

flu shot signOn another sign, the mayor announced a summer reading program for kids—in conjunction with the Hamilton Library, which gets lower billing. And, based on placement and comparative font size, the list of “Hamilton Recreations Summer Camp Offerings 2015” wasn’t as important as the fact that “MAYOR KELLY A. YAEDE” announced it.

This is not merely a local phenomenon. In 2013, Boston Magazine attempted to count how many signs bore the name of then-Mayor Thomas M. Menino and gave up at 1,182. All of those signs, incidentally, needed to be removed or replaced the next year when a new mayor was elected. A Boston City Councilor At-Large called for Yeade signs001Menino to use $414,000 in unspent campaign money to change the signs, but Menino’s spokesperson said they weren’t even considering the suggestion. In Akron, Ohio, and Washington, D.C., journalists and citizens have also complained about the cost and questionable ethics of these “vanity signs.”

So Mayor Yaede was not the originator of this practice. But she does seem to be the most egregious offender I can recall during my time in Hamilton.

Being mayor comes with a set of responsibilities, including overseeing programs and events; in other words, it’s part of the job. Imagine working in an office and preparing a spreadsheet for your boss with your own name in big, bold letters at the top of it, or fixing a pothole and leaving a large “repaired by” sign with your name, and you get some idea of how ridiculous this practice is.Yeade signs005

Hamilton taxpayers (and the occasional corporate sponsors) pay for Septemberfest, the Fall Harvest Festival, Winter Wonderland, and all of the other township-run programs and events. Instead of allowing elected officials to publicly congratulate themselves for inviting us to the events we pay for, how about changing those signs and flyers to read “THE PEOPLE OF HAMILTON”? The photo above gives you an idea of what I have in mind.

My wife, Amy Inman, knowing this has been a pet peeve of mine for some time and sick of hearing me complain about it, has promised that if elected mayor this November, she’ll end the practice of slapping the mayor’s name on every sign and flyer in town. Yeade signs004In the meantime, I have to thank the current mayor for inspiring me to write about this. In a very real sense, this essay was brought to you by Mayor Kelly A. Yaede.





Akron, Ohio


Washington, D.C.